Which Way??

I guess it is related, not wanting me to get too many big sizes files, that may make people jealous or stress me out, or whatever. I'm given a rush file, to be signed before CNY. What makes me furious about this is that, you have 2 person discussing taking 1 small file earlier in the day, then push me to do that rush file, and robbed me an opportunity to go out for stock take. That surely make me furious, cause to me, stock take is fun, so when people ask you to work instead of play, what will you think. Moreover, asking me this busy people to do file, instead of the either one of the no job people, that's unfair, to say the least. And seeing the situation, I don't expect myself to get any files until after CNY.

But I'm worry too, with that stupid comments of jealousy, that I may not get what I want. Again with the wishes, can't really control it heh. I guess, I want to do Wah Seong, the biggest one, again. I mean, its fun and very challenging, especially the consolidation account part, very very largest, one of the most bad-ass type. But yeah, I want it. I thought of it last week, that I maybe the one taking it, but now, not that sure of it anymore. Cause you see, someone might want to take it. Take a hint, F&F with Zuwen, that's already a very big hint, but I'm 100% its impossible this time, cause there's Southern Perak as well, and finalizing F&F is a very big challenge. But there's another competitors too, but what I guess, one will be busy in F&F P&L, then Transport, but Transport might be done before CNY, cause, what's tough is the HP and DTax. But with one year of experience, it won't be that tough, I guess. So, that's my competitor. Also, PWDE, one of the most annoying ones around, and the reason will be: You haven't cleared PWDE. I don't know, that might happen, heh. Just see, I'll try to clear out PWDE before CNY, which won't be a big stepping stone on after CNY arrangement, but also a big shield to avoid going to EAE any means necessary. I once told myself, if I'm not in charge of anything, I have no means, no heart to do anything else, so, yeah, that's it.

Another thing that bugs me is also the senior issue. Do I have a chance to get promoted? Cause I think, with those stupid comments out there, I think I deserve it. I mean, look at Philip before he got promoted, he was doing those big annoying files, then, a while later, he got promoted. So yeah, if you ask me, of course I want to get promoted, I just don't say it out, not to sound so desperate. I'm not sure whether it will be like last year, where just before CNY, they announce people get promoted to senior. Of course, the  situation and circumstances are way more different than now, doesn't it, heh. 

Not just about salary, position and recognition, I guess, personally, somewhere inside me, I want to challenge those seniors out there, to be a better rounded senior, like Sam, he's a great rounded senior, among all. Also within our group, I think sometimes the file arrangement is a bit ridiculous, so to say. Sometimes you see so many people going, over capable people doing smaller files, etc. So, if I'm given the opportunity, I want to balance it all out, drawing out a year plan, fit for everyone, and stuff. But hey, its all talk, nothing could be done, if I'm not given the opportunity. Seeing and accessing the situation, I now can say the chances are quite slim, in my opinion. Although I'm told that I have future in this firm, but, what does that mean, do I have a chance to get promoted? I mean, it's kinda so many unknown, frustrated when you don't know if you get the chance or not. Look at us, look at our group, having only one senior after one year still, its funny. It shows that we might have a chance for that final spot, yet, so near yet so far, do we actually stand a chance for that? Kinda funny heh. But hey, just relax and do my thing. If it was meant to be, then it will. Just like last time, I was frustrated for being seen as a shit, but now, totally different. Perhaps I should just wait it out, if it is, then it is. Be it. Relax.

I guess, that'll be it. Senior, can I finally get a hand on it, or it's gonna get to the other person. I mean, I'm now a serious  threat after that 'jealousy' thing. So yes and no, I'm worried about my future in this firm. But right now, just relax and do my thing. 

Till then,

-yeEvoN_Dutch-

Ridiculous

To say the very least, I surely think it is way too ridiculous. The more I think about it, the more it gets to be more ridiculous in my aspect. Gosh, I've been trying so hard to achieve what I want, shine through bunch of people, and in the end what I got is 'red eye' a.k.a. jealousy from people. I mean, how did it happen? Why would people think that?

Last week, we've got a short interview session by our very own supervisor and senior. Truthfully, some of the comment I get is kinda shocking, in good and bad of course. But yeah, for the good stuff, I'm truly honored on how they view me, my achievements so far and recognition. While for the bad stuff, I didn't really realize it is that bad, perhaps I'm way too over when I carry myself, when I talk to people. Yeah well, I've got that problem before, I've tried to reduce the sarcastic-ness of the way I talk, but uhm, seems like people can't accept, so no, still gotta change. My soft skills, need lots of improvement.

There's all but one final comment that I got, that people got jealous and 'red eye' of my achievements. Initially I was like so shocked until I don't know how to respond, then I thought 'That's the most ridiculous  stupid comment that I've ever had'. One thing good is that my abilities and achievements are being recognized, that people see me as a serious threat. On the other hand, I started thinking, who's that bloody moron that makes such comment? Cause I've been taught, don't be jealous of people, what can you get from them? Turn around, look on to them, and tell yourself that you can achieve as much as them too. So, to me, when I first join this firm, I was like the ultimate underdog that people won't care about, like I'm just some shit sitting over there. That got to me, I wanna change that view, prove that I got it. So, of course, with some  motivation from others, looking upon capable people instead of being jealous of them, the whole 2013, I'm out to prove people wrong, and I did it.

I still don't know who's the moron, but I got a few targets, yet, the range is so big that I can't really know who makes that comment. So, whatever, go F yourself, get a life dude. Ridiculous!! What I don't understand is, there's people last time, that also shine very bright, like Karen. She got lots of chances, I mean, outstations, taking major files, outside audit with big cases and opportunities as well, but why nobody is jealous, but I got that red eye? Unbelievable. Maybe because I'm not as outgoing as she is. Shit. Honestly, I kinda look upon to her, cause, she achieve so much in short period of time as well, so, kinda like want to achieve what she got. Perhaps because she is a semi-senior that time, and suppose to perform that well.

As I analyse, it all maybe come from CKPF, PWDE & HC. That's the only answer that I got. I mean, CKPF & HC were not even mine to take in the first place, they were given to me due to some circumstances, while PWDE, still, I'm the only available an suitable person, I mean, I didn't even get Ujung groups', it were given to others. hush, whatever. What I'm trying to express is, I'm just utilizing every single opportunity that was given to me, is that wrong? Did anybody have any idea how much stress and pressure I had during the time? Having my assistant chopped half way through, then with only 3 days after, I need to go to another company, and needed to finalize before I start my study leave, which also leads to another bigger source of pressure, studying for 2 papers. Gosh, damn it! In the end, all I get was jealousy because I always take big files. Seriously?? 

To you suckers that doesn't know how big stress and pressure I've had, I actually took extra study leaves to get away from work, and I just left files at there, not wanting to finish it up, nor clear all the stupid queries, it's just pure stress. Maybe others view it as another stuff, I don't know. But hey, I didn't ask for it, I was given the opportunities. Suckers. Worst comment ever. Definitely don't know what to do with that.

Perhaps I should be more humble, control my emotions very very carefully, and also giving wee bit motivation and recognition to people. It does make a difference. Small motivation/praise but big result, why not, taught by a friend. Yeah, it does need time. With December files, pretty sure I can use this opportunities to change my negative image, and also to try something new, do something different, be a different, and a much more humble person, and still, keep the passion to fight go on. I should soften my hard exterior, on the mean time, balance it up, still keep on fighting, be a better capable person, be a senior, show people what I got, or maybe a better senior. Yeah, I guess that will my 2014 resolution, at least until peak this year. That should do it.

Till then,

-yeEvoN_Dutch-

What if....what if???

It has been going for a while now, 'what if it does happen? what if it does really happen? How should I do or react by then?' I haven't told anyone about it, cause I don't think it'll make any point or any difference at all, up to this point.

Being off from work nearly 3 weeks, man, that's kinda fun. Pretty much care about nothing other than your studies, that's the fun and also tortures part. Hmm.. how should I begin. Last 2 times when I was off for study leaves, some stuff happens. Both time is kinda shocker actually, in which I thought over and over again, the opportunity could be mine if if I weren't off. First up would be first outside audit, I mean, when you work until certain level, you will want things. Well, due to exam, I missed the one that is actually booked for me. Then I found out there's another case, and I missed it, passed up the opportunity, for someone that is somehow a wee bit junior than me. I mean, we came in about the same time, just time I'm permanent with 3 months industrial training, while she's just a trainee. However, people don't view things that way heh, they see her as a star, bright star, good potential junior, while me, not the same case.

Second time would be last exam, I found out she got to lead an outstation case. Damn it, outstation, I actually thought it was mine, but yet, so near yet so far, not mine. That's when things got tricky and funny. So what now, is this some kind of serious warning not to underestimate people. Well yeah, I never underestimate this one, until that outstation case, although later there's ESE & CTM in which I'm to lead to bigger one, has put me at ease, for a while. Just that not only files, cases can used to define person's ability, it includes other ability as well.

As mentioned in previous post, where out of nowhere, G asked whether I got a salary increment, which would mean the senior promotion, in which days later, Philip got promoted. That's when I got the hint. Well, not just kind of thing I want to miss out. With the help of cell phones and internet, I cannot be sure whether I was the only one asked, I mean, obviously, there's other two capable persons as well, ain't it. Though people once said I was on the line or something, well, times goes, things changes.

Recently, my salary is supposed to have increment, yet I don't. It could be very well mean, time is soon, company just wanna save that increment; or it could very well be I totally wrongly interpreted stuff, it was just an error. Nevertheless, I wonder what could actually happen? What if one of my competitor got promoted to senior during my absence? There's that.

I really have no idea how to react to this, I mean, this could way causes me to throw resignation letter. Seriously. Maybe I'll just fake a smile, congratulate, and continue my job. I mean, never had one person with slightly lower capability than me, have a higher post. Well, it does during Form 2, when one the girl got leader, while me just assistant. And, I don't really feel bad, by the time, and after that, she prove to deserve that position. Form 4, nah, I even got more and higher post in the committee board. 

Well, I prove to a fierce competitor, taking tough files like EAE Transport, Pacific World, CKPF, Passion Trading etc. While my 2 competitors, they're not weak as well, I mean Gemilang, PKM, ISS, Metro etc. Although I might seem a wee bit stronger, but things is changed and different when goes to the higher authority - the bosses. If my initial hunch was right, I was supposed to get promoted during October, along with Philip, but I guess they can't, I mean, there are reasons for 'not getting promoted', for many reasons. Obvious ones would be capability, seniority, as compared to Philip. 

This question has been going through my mind over and over again. It's not that simple for not getting promoted during October, there has to be some reasons, at least. Then another Q will be what if one of my competitor got promoted during my exam leave, I mean, things has happened before, I mean, shocker stuff, this is kind of a shocker as well. Gosh, I just wish to get this Q out of my head, at least until my exam is over, totally had no idea how am I going to react. Totally absurd.

Hopefully my initial hunch was right, about salary no increment and yet to promoted, then recent salary yet to increase, means about to promoted, me going to EAE F&F (initially) and stuff. Just hope thing will go my way. I mean, senior, salary increment, who doesn't want? It's a title, rise in status, pride and stuff.

Huhhhhhhhhh... gotta keep my head clear, FOCUS ON STUDIES ONLY!!!

Till then,

-yeEvoN_Dutch-

Am I just a soldier - Part III

What now, that we're just part of your armies? One of the soldiers under your wing? Jeez. I'm frustrated. I'm not sure whether my earlier hunch is right or not. Firstly, regarding EAE F&F. I got a hunch from Garret that he want me to be the person in charge, cause he says he plan to delay, until we're back from exam leave, but it'll be too late by then. So, nothing can be done, and wrong timing, I didn't get to go to interim. Maybe finals, but we'll see how things goes.

Second, me finally got a chance to be promoted to 'Sergeant' as well. It happens when G asked whether I got an increment of salary, out of nowhere, cause he never asked me that. Then, days later, Philip got promoted. Hmm.. my guess is, he thought I was going to get promoted as well. Sigh, maybe not now, maybe during Chinese New Year, hopefully, hope it is earlier. But, it could be he asked others as well, not just me. 

With current situation, me playing with fire, by leaving such mess with CKPF, some mess with ESE (no big deal) and Pacific World (not under my control/expectation), I wasn't sure if I were to have any more chance now. It does break my heart, a whirl on my emotion, makes me think, 'Am I just a soldier', where people can just assign or order you to do stuff, a secondary officer, upmost. Yet again, being seconder and stuff, it exist last cycle, and G sees through me. This time, I don't know how to deal with it. It sucks.

I'm tired of this, started to lose passion, like my work is not being appreciated. I did my best in work, communicated well with clients for work, speedy work, did not really make fool, or have fool in office. I mean, I did, but controllable. I did the best that I can, still, I feel like I was treated like thrash. Instead of pushing others, asking others to do their best. Urghh. 

I can never forget the reaction, when I passed my leave form to you. Jeez, asked to stay for another day, cause everyone's going EAE, and office needs to have someone. Aren't those people that did not participate in EAE not human? Not enough to handle, and also 'you haven't cleared all you stuff'. Damn, I hate that sentence. Logically, no one can 100% cleared their stuff before on leave, stupid.

So, what I do, I play around fire, purposely not clearing all my queries, and I just do what I want. And also, not submitting files, leaving messes and problems for others. So what, since what I've done is not very much appreciated, so yeah, I'm going to send a reminder to people. I don't care, whatever. Since during May/June, same old things done by others, and you did not react much, so yeah, I'm doing what others are doing. So what, others can, I can't? This is ridiculous. Or maybe I think too highly of myself, giving myself too much credit, nahhh, I'm just being ridiculous, did not live up to people's expectation.

Anyway, what done is done, I had my revenge. -evilly grinned- Alright, all is good, that I've bitch enough here, time to get back to my studies, still got loads to go. Should focus, stay focus, right now, that's all I can do. 

Study smart. FOCUS!!

Till then,

-yeEvoN_Dutch-  

Am I just a soldier - Part II

Well, this continues from last post. Things don't just end in this way. After I'm back from my exam leave, of course, life goes on, you still need to work. There I've given 3 files, like within days. Immediately it was like, WHAT? Do you think I'm some kind of superman? Just because I on leave for 2 weeks, I got extra 2? This is bullshit, I got more files compared to others. 

Which bothers me the most is CEMB, damn, not even begin when the documents were sent in before I on leave. And oh, you just sub the file to me, stating that it is quite tough for junior. This is bullshit, can't you look properly before assigning it out. I don't mind getting more files, learn new stuff, but hey, don't simply sub out the files for others before making sure. Due to this, it's like harassment from Jessica like at least 2-3 times per week, on making sure the file is done. Shit. What have I done to get this.

And right after that, when I successfully submitted all my files, you tried to sub another file that already been assigned out, again, again, again. This time, go fuck yourself, I'm not buying your story on learning Loke's work done, way of work etc. Immediately I was like, seriously, do you really think I'm taking your shit. No way, so of course, I tell him my thoughts and proposed another deal, in which I'll take one of the last remaining files for December year ended. And yeah, it does happen, can you really imagine if this to be taken by your first choice? Or maybe any other juniors? I'll bet they can't do as fast as I do. 

Continuously, well, this had to take like 2 same level sergeant to tell you, don't take corporal level soldiers like us to be your first assistant. It's Hang Tuah, how big deal could it be. Karen only took Philip, Jack and Stephen. And you, being more experienced than Karen, compared by timing, want to take Wen Ya? Then, you plan to let god-knows-who to in charge of CTM, when you yourself  know what's up. I can't believe you actually plan that, and took others to make you see what's wrong. Jeez, seriously. Here on saying juniors should learn more and stuff, and you just let them continue to be 2nd & 3rd assist. 

Well, that's not only it. Central Kedah outstation as well. It was a little bit over the edge don't you think? Taking such a strong team, too strong don't you think. Jeez. You are just lucky that Garret has a situation, and ended you review it. Imagine Sonia or Eva is your assistant, not saying they can't, just a lot more difficulties. Just lucky. Try to imagine if Garret does not have a situation. Hmm... that'll create a lot of topics. Taking me as your assistant, so that you can save yourself trouble. Well, well, well.

Next up would be Pacific World. Personally, I'm thrilled to have this file, I wanted it. Yet, you did something that actually was the opposite of Garret said, he said that he would not limit our outside audit days, unless client does not allowed. Here you are, against his words, limiting me 8 days, when previous year, 10 days, 4 people. I only got 3 people here, champion! I know the deal, there's much more urgent cases on hand, and you need to reallocate people here and there, to balance it out. Then, days later, claiming that I can go as long as I want, and giving up one of my assistant to Ujung Pelangi. So now what, limiting me at first place, then cut my girls, then saying I can go as long as I want. Seriously, I want to to bitch slap someone right here. Well, thanks to your '8 days limit', I was under pressure, and actually skip many steps on order to reach your time limit. Then saying your won't limit me anymore. Shit. Wishy washy. In the end, I only go like 6 days total, with last 2 days with only one assistant.

Then Hotel Continental, yeah, I know the deal, so I take it, without complaint. But you should know the deal, no more files, no more pressuring me for anything else. Even Garret knows what's up, so no more. So, when you show me your bitchy face regarding Central Kedah, immediately inside me, it was burning up. So now what, what do you want, ok fine, I'll play with you. 

For this issue, I purposely not clearing all the queries for CKPF, just do my own files, not even prepare it properly to declare ( I got reason to cover it), care about nothing. Leave problems, messes, queries behind, and also, on leave earlier than scheduled. I'd inform you on this matter week earlier, don't say I don't say it earlier dude. 

Talk a good game, saying lesser people show your abilities and stuff, use shorter time to complete file etc, to me, its just like you are just slapping yourself in the face. Talk a good game, but never actually did it. Just like Hang Tuah, seriously? And now EAE F&F, yeah, I know the deal, and planning to have Wen Ya, Kenny, Li Fang & Rebecca for interim. And hey, INTERIM only. Jeez. How many you're gonna take for finals, like 10, or maybe whole office, there, used up all the resources. There you are, monopoly all the resources, people for your own benefit. You yourself should know, more people means more trouble in finalizing, jeez. 

Tune in for next chapter.

Till then, 

-yeEvoN_Dutch- 

Am I just a soldier?

Right now, I don't think I should be doing this, I should be studying for my upcoming exams, P1 and P3. By hey, I need to blow off some steam over here, there are things that keep on going around my head and I could not shake it off. Probably over here, I can shake some of them off.

It's work, the more I think about it, the more it keep on going around. I always wondered why nobody commented on such actions, behavior, and manages to make it seemed logical and sound. To me, it was like 'what is going on?'

Since beginning of year, things have been shaking up a little in the office, people are resigning, power struggle between superiors, experience people are getting lesser etc. Thus, it leads to group restructuring, and uhm, I can proudly say I'm still in the same group as before, under the same person, in group where other supervisors regards as thrash, garbage, and whatever it can be named. How should I put this, hmm... I love being an underdog, I've been in this position before, and I know how satisfying it is when you get to prove people wrong, that we are not thrash, we are champions, people that can actually work together. As I speak, our group has managed to achieve all the above, show others that we can actually work together well, and also the most harmony group among all. 

However, good things never stay long, well, not what you think. I think it is much more like power struggle, recognition, individualism for me. Our group is still as harmony as ever, that's the good news. Or perhaps, I asked too much, didn't perform as others expected. Anyway, it has bugged me months now. Shit.

I guess it started on mid April, when 'Sergeant' happened to forget what I told him the week or day earlier, which don't assigned anything to me on coming Monday, I've booked outside stat audit, and he assigned a case for me. When I got back to work on Monday, of course, I got mad, and he promised to do that on behalf. I did not care that much on that time, and continue to the new case. It never occurred to me that, he is the type that will assign others to perform stat audit. And as I expected, he ended did not do, and claim that he got a urgent thing on his hand. I was like, Ok, go fuck yourself. Messed up people's plan, make people break promises, and act innocent, as ever. Whatever.

Second will be during mid May, when I was about to on leave, for my studies, and meanwhile, rushing for files to be signed as well. I've got a urgent case on my hand, to issue draft before on leave, and you assigned me to assist another file, right after that urgent case outside audit. WTF. Yeah, I know that I'm the only eligible candidate, I don't mind assisting, but wrong timing dude. Why don't assigned the other person, why, is it because she still got other urgent case on hand well? Damn, so unfair.

Next would be I'm being kept in cold storage right before on leave, with the claim of 'clear and signed all your files', I was like, 'WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING YOU JUST SAID?', bastard. Already tried my best to issue draft level for all my files, I mean like literally all, who else did that? fuck shit. I've told you the situation, and no use keep me at office, not much can be done, sign all? I only manage to sign one, others will have to wait due to client issues, pending and stuff. This has literally cross the line, seriously. 

So, what I get from here is that, don't issue all draft level before on leave, don't complete your files that fast, hold on to it, until it start to get 'rotten', or rushed by clients. Yeah, that's it, so that I can avoid all these nonsense. Idiot! 

When you did what others has expected, they will continue to push you. And they seems to show little appreciation for what you have done. I'm not saying that I'm very good, the only ace in the group, but hey, looked around, you did not submit files yourself, you have yet cleared all the queries, did you even did your part to rush juniors to submit files, or maybe more concern on what is happening with the juniors. Did you push them enough, did you control the virus, shit. I've tried my best not to create problems, or lesser problems, yet you cross the line. Shit. Push me instead of other much more bigger problems. 

Next chapter, to be continued.

Till then,

-yeEvoN_Dutch-

Dilemma - Part 2

His stupidity never cured, I mean, its ok if you wanna come to me, but not during a camp. He wanted to make me wet, licked my pussy, have sex, admit having feelings for me and other sex talk. Firstly, of course I was shocked, I never had a guy telling me so many things before. Even back in office, I have sex talk with guys too, but not like this. He touched me several times, even until that part, when I pushes his arms away several times. He even asked me to go back to Penang with him, but I rejected, cause I know something bad could really happen. Yet, he still never stop pursuing me.

He is right about me being horny, wanting to try stuff. Who would not want to. When you're until a certain age, without a boy friend, you certainly wanted to try something new. Watching porn does not mean I'm slut or being horny, its like you have to try or know something, like a sex education class. So that you won't freak out when it eventually happens. 'Freak out', right, that's what I am experiencing that night, I freak out, but luckily my DM mode still intact, still knows how to reject him. Probably because he has a girl friend, makes me reject directly. If he is single, I might have done that with him that night. Just maybe.

Then when I am back in Penang, when I had my mind cleared up, I decided I could try something here, without needing to worry about scout and stuff. Its like cheating during exams, you have to wait until the right moment, when the teacher is not looking and stuff. For me, it is like that. We had a movie night on our first date, and man, he is really aggressive and does know how to a girl wet and high. We made out, talk a little, and he thought I felt something for him. Well, I did not really have a thing on him, I just wanna try something new, but I'll just let him think that way. It's easier.

Over the week, we hanged out, dated, make out and one night he proclaimed to be my boy friend. Oh boy, is he being too naif or what? Just a few dates, not even a week, you proclaimed to be my boy friend. Man, this is just an affair, not a relationship. Though I treat him kind of booty call or FWB. Surely not my boy friend. Well, he also tells me that I am his princess although he know he is not my prince. I chose not to believe this crap, because you know, guys words are not be trusted fully.

And things changed recently. I actually get angry at him for not accompanying me on 201314. He send me a text earlier that morning, saying he love me, I actually don't take this shit completely, as he could say the same thing to his girl friend as well. Initially, I plan to make him say that word to me, not just by texting, but to actually say it out to me. But it did not work, cause he's not around that night. My mood is definitely affected, I couldn't work, there's 2 freaking important file to be cleared ASAP. So, what I do is take it out on him, telling him not to bother anymore. He called and we made up, but I'm still emo whole night. 

While I'm emo-ing, I start to think why would I get angry at him? I wondered if I start having feelings for him, cause that's the last thing I want it to happen. Or just because I am not happy cause I feel stupid, and I did not go back to AS this weekend. I still did not figure it out. 

And today, it is yesterday to be exact, I ask him to enjoy his day off, cause his girl friend is around, and I don't expect any calls or text until he is free. Then he called me at night, like taking the opportunity of the short moment while she is off to buy things and stuff, the call started nicely, until he said she's coming back so he had to end the phone call. I dunno what the hell happen to me, I send him a text saying I feel like being treated like a booty call, do this again and I won't pick up his call anymore. Hmm...I should have typed I won't see him anymore. I think I just want to teach him a lesson, and to see what his reaction is. It is fun to make him feel anxious, nervous and him all over me.

As a typical guy, he called me hours later, guessed when he is free or she going for bath, but I just ignored his called. Mainly cause I still wanna see what his reaction is, and also I was wearing my retainer, lazy to talk. No talk, then he send me a text, apologizing, saying I meant something for him, not a booty call n stuff, but I haven't reply anything until now. Man, this guy is serious, I guessed. But he still has not earned the way in, cause he did not do it right. 

What I want is much more traditional, proper dates, proper normal talk and sweet talk, able to share things, connect together, maybe some presents, and not just make out or sex. I am not saying it's not important, but just not the main ingredient into forming a relationship. And he never gets it, only tell me to 'enjoy the moment', and always wanted to have sex with me. At this rate, this is only going to be an affair, what we do is just made out and sex. Part of me wanted to remain like this, cause I don't want to developed too strong feeling or fall in love with him. It's torturing and complicated, especially when he already has a girl friend, proclaiming he love me only. Yet part of me wanted him completely, do much more traditional stuff , having a relationship that would consumed me, but I dunno how to settle the his gf problem. I really can't imagine if she knows about us. I think she will get crazy and mad, and my reputation will be gone immediately. I certainly don't want that.

So, I keep on telling myself not to fall for this guy, it's just an affair, where he could never earn his way into my heart, and I am actually waiting for another guy to take action. For real, I really hope 'he' will take action, but my feeling towards him starts to fade, I dunno what to do. Just wait and see what happens then. Hope I can achieve what I want, and avoid being a slut and lose my reputation just like that. Totally not worth it.

Yet, I feel like I started to have real feelings for him. I get mad at him. It's not right, it should not have happen. Hope time could prove that this is wrong, I never intended this to happen. Perhaps just a crush, it is still acceptable. Real feelings, I don't know what will I do.....

Till then

-yeEvoN_Dutch-