Dilemma - Part 2

His stupidity never cured, I mean, its ok if you wanna come to me, but not during a camp. He wanted to make me wet, licked my pussy, have sex, admit having feelings for me and other sex talk. Firstly, of course I was shocked, I never had a guy telling me so many things before. Even back in office, I have sex talk with guys too, but not like this. He touched me several times, even until that part, when I pushes his arms away several times. He even asked me to go back to Penang with him, but I rejected, cause I know something bad could really happen. Yet, he still never stop pursuing me.

He is right about me being horny, wanting to try stuff. Who would not want to. When you're until a certain age, without a boy friend, you certainly wanted to try something new. Watching porn does not mean I'm slut or being horny, its like you have to try or know something, like a sex education class. So that you won't freak out when it eventually happens. 'Freak out', right, that's what I am experiencing that night, I freak out, but luckily my DM mode still intact, still knows how to reject him. Probably because he has a girl friend, makes me reject directly. If he is single, I might have done that with him that night. Just maybe.

Then when I am back in Penang, when I had my mind cleared up, I decided I could try something here, without needing to worry about scout and stuff. Its like cheating during exams, you have to wait until the right moment, when the teacher is not looking and stuff. For me, it is like that. We had a movie night on our first date, and man, he is really aggressive and does know how to a girl wet and high. We made out, talk a little, and he thought I felt something for him. Well, I did not really have a thing on him, I just wanna try something new, but I'll just let him think that way. It's easier.

Over the week, we hanged out, dated, make out and one night he proclaimed to be my boy friend. Oh boy, is he being too naif or what? Just a few dates, not even a week, you proclaimed to be my boy friend. Man, this is just an affair, not a relationship. Though I treat him kind of booty call or FWB. Surely not my boy friend. Well, he also tells me that I am his princess although he know he is not my prince. I chose not to believe this crap, because you know, guys words are not be trusted fully.

And things changed recently. I actually get angry at him for not accompanying me on 201314. He send me a text earlier that morning, saying he love me, I actually don't take this shit completely, as he could say the same thing to his girl friend as well. Initially, I plan to make him say that word to me, not just by texting, but to actually say it out to me. But it did not work, cause he's not around that night. My mood is definitely affected, I couldn't work, there's 2 freaking important file to be cleared ASAP. So, what I do is take it out on him, telling him not to bother anymore. He called and we made up, but I'm still emo whole night. 

While I'm emo-ing, I start to think why would I get angry at him? I wondered if I start having feelings for him, cause that's the last thing I want it to happen. Or just because I am not happy cause I feel stupid, and I did not go back to AS this weekend. I still did not figure it out. 

And today, it is yesterday to be exact, I ask him to enjoy his day off, cause his girl friend is around, and I don't expect any calls or text until he is free. Then he called me at night, like taking the opportunity of the short moment while she is off to buy things and stuff, the call started nicely, until he said she's coming back so he had to end the phone call. I dunno what the hell happen to me, I send him a text saying I feel like being treated like a booty call, do this again and I won't pick up his call anymore. Hmm...I should have typed I won't see him anymore. I think I just want to teach him a lesson, and to see what his reaction is. It is fun to make him feel anxious, nervous and him all over me.

As a typical guy, he called me hours later, guessed when he is free or she going for bath, but I just ignored his called. Mainly cause I still wanna see what his reaction is, and also I was wearing my retainer, lazy to talk. No talk, then he send me a text, apologizing, saying I meant something for him, not a booty call n stuff, but I haven't reply anything until now. Man, this guy is serious, I guessed. But he still has not earned the way in, cause he did not do it right. 

What I want is much more traditional, proper dates, proper normal talk and sweet talk, able to share things, connect together, maybe some presents, and not just make out or sex. I am not saying it's not important, but just not the main ingredient into forming a relationship. And he never gets it, only tell me to 'enjoy the moment', and always wanted to have sex with me. At this rate, this is only going to be an affair, what we do is just made out and sex. Part of me wanted to remain like this, cause I don't want to developed too strong feeling or fall in love with him. It's torturing and complicated, especially when he already has a girl friend, proclaiming he love me only. Yet part of me wanted him completely, do much more traditional stuff , having a relationship that would consumed me, but I dunno how to settle the his gf problem. I really can't imagine if she knows about us. I think she will get crazy and mad, and my reputation will be gone immediately. I certainly don't want that.

So, I keep on telling myself not to fall for this guy, it's just an affair, where he could never earn his way into my heart, and I am actually waiting for another guy to take action. For real, I really hope 'he' will take action, but my feeling towards him starts to fade, I dunno what to do. Just wait and see what happens then. Hope I can achieve what I want, and avoid being a slut and lose my reputation just like that. Totally not worth it.

Yet, I feel like I started to have real feelings for him. I get mad at him. It's not right, it should not have happen. Hope time could prove that this is wrong, I never intended this to happen. Perhaps just a crush, it is still acceptable. Real feelings, I don't know what will I do.....

Till then

-yeEvoN_Dutch-

Dilemma - Part 1

They say Gemini has two or more personalities/mindset. Well, I am a typical one, because I am in a dilemma, not sure whether I should continue doing this.

I met this guy years ago during a camp. To be exact, it is during STC 2010. To be frank, I don't have strong impression on him, other than he is good in photography cause he posted all the photos of the camp. At that time, he already has a girl friend, right until now, they are still together, looking good and strong.

I don't know whether it is due to my own stupidity or him being too aggressive, he came at me, after a brief sex talk, due to I am chopping cucumber. FYI, I was preparing sandwich as supper on the 2nd night of Carnival Camp 2012. Before the sex talk, he already make some moves, in which I didn't notice until now. First most obvious is during Trang trip, where my sunglasses is either gone or spoil in 2 different occasion. He then offered me his new glasses to wear, I don't think that much obviously, just wanting to wear something. What to do, Thailand weather is compatible with Malaysia's, equally hot.

Next should be right during Carnival, he just put his hand into my jeans pocket, which I can't remember how many times, to put/get eclipse and car keys. At that moment, I really feel weird, why is he acting like that. I mean, not even my own close girls do that to me. Its not the first time, he been acting like that previously, touching my arm n stuff, but that night is really aggressive among all. Still, I didn't really cared cause I thought he is like that, not knowing he actually has a thing for me already. Hmm...I wondered when, should have make him admit that to me. LOLs

Before any of this happen, to me, he is a total idiot. I mean, just look at how he behave at night during camps. He would sleep with his girl friend, either in a tent or car, together. Like together. Gosh, its like, this is a camp, a scout camp, discipline above all, and you choose to sleep together. What an idiot. Everything he did this, he will get it from David Chiam, scolding him for being sleeping together with Rabbit's 'kid'. Not once, but several times, yet still behaving like that, so, I don't know what to say about him. An idiot should be enough to describe him.

More to come

-yeEvon_Dutch-

FedUp.Depressed.

Another week has gone, a very critical week. My plan has long off the path since Tuesday. Why? I don't how to say it, just purely fed up. I guess when you have put it up until certain level, you just do not know how to deal with it when it overflow. Purely disappointed with myself. Pure disappointment. 

Why is there such type of people. Not serious in doing their job, talk crap all the time, on top of that, the quality produced. Crap with colleagues occasionally is alright, but hey, do your job ok. Make sure you are doing your job while you crap. Now you are a crap. Guess I finally understand why Garret won't allow trainees to assist him, only will guide them, that's the maximum. The quality produce is a total disaster. 

First of all, when someone tell you to amend your stuff, my god, just go ahead and amend it. I mean, I won't ask you to amend unless unnecessary. But in the end, what did you do? Let's see, amended but feels like it is still the same, did not write the adjustment inside the working paper, and plug it the wrong figure. WHAT THE FUCK is this. Nearly 2 months of training, still got such mistakes. Totally unacceptable. But what can I say, I am the person in charge, I should bear all the responsibilities. You know what, just....nevermind, just my luck to have such stupid assistants. Better don't tell them all these complaints in front of them. Who knows? One day, they maybe better than me, become my superior or manager. Life is this funny. Just bear with it I guess.

As I was on the brink of breaking down, which I did not really show it out, which is just sit at there, giving no expression, and just do my work, and almost zero talk. Then here comes my senior. He explains everything about why assigning trainees to assist me and stuffs, then I realize that yeah, it does makes a point. Being in house file gives me more time to do my job, and at the mean time, also test on my knowledge, tactics and the way I deal + guide trainees. Just reverse the situation, what if this is my first outside file, having 2 trainees under me. One thing for sure, I will sure burst into my boiling point and become mad, crazy, abnormal. In short, this is another type of training he planned for me. But hey bro, next time, don't give 2, just one ok, cause one is quite enough.

What else. I think there is something funny, funny vibe going between him and Jenz, cause he keep on saying stuff like his audit career in MR is kinda too smooth, as he always have good assistant assisting him in doing files. Well, I don't really know about that, but ever since I join, yeah, he always have good assistant, either in house or outside audit. But I thought you planned that for him, so why do you complain about this now? Kind of slapping yourself in the face dude. Then, saying that Jenz have difficulty in outshining others, I think it might be coming from the rumours, saying that Jenz telling others that he is going to be a senior soon. Probably about people resigning and him having chance to get the senior post.What ever, I do not know.

I think Jenz also have some being too self conscious problem, just look at his current Teow Joo file, me and him, we kinda having same problem of wiping people's ass. His problem could actually linked with mine, cause the way my assistant do her job, is a product of his assistant guidance. Drawing filthy brackets, uncoordinated, work done, bad presentations n etc, almost similar pattern. Jenz saying about not having the power to tell his assistant about his mistake, but hey, aren't you the fucking SIC, more experience than him and all. Come on, don't worry about position, just worry about your ability. Speechless. 

I don't know whether I'm thinking too much or something, but I got a feeling that Garret try to push me up, very up, probably higher or same wit Jenz, within Group D of course. We still got 2 members, but one is associated with LEH, which he kind of dislike, while another is still under probation until this month, so just see how things patch up.

One of the thing that bugs me is I lost the chance to go to Peking Hotel for outside audit. Awhhhh....disappointed, I thought I had it in my bag, going for that during December, after my exam. Once I heard Steven and Lee Ming go for that, it was like thunderstorm for me, then I got to know that it was reserved for me, just that the audit period is during my  study leave, so, no choice, I can't go. Still until now, I do not know if I am the SIC if I go to Peking Hotel, cause Garret kind of hinted, but the more I think, the more it becomes illogical. Cause obviously, there is still other people that haven't got chance to become SIC (first outside in charge), how can mine be so fast? People waiting in the line is Philip, Lee Ming and Yi Hong, there's 3, how is it possible that I could jump into the queue, sure got people complaining, have comment. Anyway, I no longer have to chance. 

Priority now is study full power for P2, and settle partly of GY, pain in the ass product. Lots of damage control. That will be it. 

Until then,

-yeEvoN-Dutch-

Another Meltdown??

It's been real farking long since my post, purely due to my laziness, start my first work and also study part time. I'll get back into these details later. Right now, what I really need is just express my thoughts out. Period. As this week break is going to end, its bugs me more to my breaking point. Gosh, just hope it wont reach until that level.

On my studies, things are getting real bad as November is going to end soon, meaning December is going to come, so does my exam date. Arghh, I still got much to go for my studies. I could barely remember what I just studied days ago, and I can't even try out the questions on my own without referring back to the answers  or study material. What the heck is really going on? I certainly do not hope to fail this paper. Choi!! Touch wood touch wood!!!! 

Next would be my own study arrangement, which part should I start or focus on. ACCA exam is much more different than university exams, where the tips given is sufficient for you to get a B. But this, this is real tough man, real tough. I am very worried. Period. Can I get through this rough patch? Hopefully I can, or else I'll be damn. Not just disappointing, but humiliating as well. Personally of course. 

Enough about it. Coming up would be work. Man, lots of stories and stress come from here. Firstly, I was given the file Golden Years, instead of assisting Moliform. Hmm.... this is actually a great chance for me to really perform. But, I feel like ever since going out assisting G-Technologies and Hotel Continental, my speed  has decrease compared to my previous files. Probably I am moving to the next level, where I should do tougher parts or something, but seriously, I am very worried about the efficiency on the job.

Regardless, hope things can get better as times goes. Getting GY is a real challenge, lots to learn, lots to deal with as well. Splitting the accounts, what the heck in the world would it happen to me. Due to internal conflict, auditors kena.. Brava!!! Never mind, I'll just take this as a way to train myself and to learn more stuffs. Things happen.

Then it will come to the people assisting me. Frankly, I do not like the idea of having 2 trainees to assist. First, the time used will be longer, then the quality of work will be affected. My first assistant is ok, listen to what I said, can see that she is picking up. But please, stop asking me every single thing that could just ask client. Deal it yourself! That's the part that annoys me the most. The second assistant, the original assistant, but just keep on doing her own file and neglected my file. Damn, not only not listening to what I say, but keep on needing me to remind and tell her to do stuff. Gosh, it is super annoying. Top of that, the speed is super slow. They were supposed to finish up their part right before I finish my part, cause they got 2 people for one part. Seems like there will be lots of damage control to be done by the time when I fully checked their work. 

I know I should not be bitching about them, but for god sake, they are real slow. No wonder Garret choose not to care about trainees. Furthermore, I can't imagine what will happen if those 3 continues to work as permanent later on. Sure lots of comparison going on. Gotta keep my cool, its my file, I am the person in charge, I should not show this out to them, this is not right. Honestly, if they were to have training in Lim Teoh instead of MR, I cannot imagine how many scolding or harsh words will be coming out every day.

Keep on asking on every minor things, which Jenny/Ms Tan hates to answer, slow speed, Mr Lee's buddy, keep on doing wrong stuff, this happens on every trainees, even myself last time. But on top of that, what annoys me the most is they never use their freaking head to think before asking. I mean, maybe they did before going out for help, but dude, just write down your queries and ask client in one shot. Don't keep on referring to me. Its not that I do not want to explain, just that I also got things to do, and I am not good in explaining stuff, I only know how to make it happen. Damn, it is just so annoying.

So, it does feel real much better after bitching it out here. Blogging is truely my confession buddy. Great place to release it all out. Anyway, it felt good, I should go back to my studies or whatever I was doing.

Do the right things, Do things right?? Taught to me by daddy, really useful, new inspiration.

Till then

-yeEvoN_Dutch- 

I Had Enough!!

Going for a trip is supposedly a happy and excited thing, where you can truly enjoy a holiday with people you wanted. But for me, it was like a nightmare, boiling point to the max, and dealing with a bunch of bitches.

First of all, as I was doing laundry at noon, received a text about "open fb chat at 5pm regarding our trip to thailand". Most utter thing that came into my mind..."what?", why the hell in earth do you want to wait until 5pm to discuss, when the discussion could be right away. (p/s: last day of air asia promo to thailand). Whereby it is the last day, shouldn't the discussion started earlier, and 5pm is a good napping time by the way- BS 1.

Tried the calm and make myself happy and excited, surrounding myself with positive energy so that I won't sound bitter for the discussion later. Then I hooked myself up with those funny comedies, action movies, open the speaker volume to the max, sing song like a mad person, etc to make myself calm down, and it is also a nice way to spend a day. Should do this more often. Yeah~~~

Then it comes to the worst part of my day. Discussion at 5pm, and there were only 2 people online on that time. For that moment, I knew my hunch was right during noon, where you set an online discussion with this group people, no body will even take you for serious. Then slowly, there were only 2 additions, until the end of discussion. There were supposedly to have like around 6-7 people having discussion, ended up with 4, what a combination, brava~~

I had to say, it started off quite smoothly, like confirming numbers of people, transportation, date and etc. It goes on smoothly, until certain issues come up, and they expected me to do what as they say. I wanna say, FUCK OFF, DON'T EVER TELL ME WHAT TO DO. My another trip to Taiwan had already fixed since last year, and everyone knows about it, no secret. The flight back and forth from Alor Star-KL-Taiwan had already been booked, just waiting everything to go on its course. Here comes the issues:

(1) Date

There's a one week gap between last paper to Taiwan. Choosing after exam rather than June because one of us gonna defer, OK, I'm can deal with that. It might be a very adventurous holidays for me. Taiwan trip starts on 15th morning, I had already told you I had to be back latest by 13th, so that I can pack up my stuff here in Kampar, drive back to AS. So that on the 14th, I can start preparing another trip, and I have a flight to KL that night as well. Then comes the fun part, told me that our trip is until 14th, and also told me might as well stay at KL and fly to Taiwan at 15th. Easy for you to say, but SHUT UP! NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO, where it leads to another problem.

(2) Luggage

Weather and surrounding in Thailand and Taiwan is completely different. It much more towards beach style in Thailand, and shopping style in Taiwan. Which means I need to pack to different sets of clothes in my luggage, did you ever think about that. Please enlighten me, will you have enough clean underwear for 2 weeks? I certainly don't have, and you want me to carry dirty laundry to Taiwan for a week? Yeah, sounds like a good plan too, and who's gonna pay for the overweight luggage? You? I certainly don't mind that. Will you? I don't think so.

(3) Room in Kampar

Expect me to clean up my room after I return from Taiwan. Hello, are you out of your freaking mind? I'm certainly not. Having 2 trips in a shot is fun, but tiring as well, it is a known fact. Clearing out a room is very tiring, plus if you gonna drive back to AS after that. I've tried that before, and beats me out right after I reach home. It's already tired of the trip, and you expect me to clear off my room after that? Easy for you guys to say, you guys either live in Ipoh or Ansun, which is only like 40 minutes drive from Kampar. Come on, for me is 3 hours plus. I'm risking my life and other drivers too if I were to do this. Wake up, come on.

Another thing, there's people coming in for the room. Late check out means people could not move in ON TIME. I don't know who's gonna rent this room, but what if the person is coming for orientation? Then it means he/she could not use the room until I vacate it. Savvy? I'm not causing inconvenience to other people, since the last tenant didn't cause any for me.

(4) Transportation

The mode of transportation would be flight, obviously. But since we're going after exam, air ticket would be very expensive. So, I suggest why don't we take flight from PENANG-BANGKOK, then local transportation to Phuket/Krabi. Sounds logic for a suggestion. Then here comes another bitch, as insensitive as ever, saying the stupidest thing of all. "Penang only for local flight", what the fuck is that, are you out of your freaking mind? Everybody knows Penang's airport is known as PENANG INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, its a fact, Google it, and I'm saying fly to Bangkok, not Phuket. I do my homework OK, I know there's no direct flight from PG. Its just that we have to go South, then fly North, seems a bit inappropriate. Anyway, my idea was banned directly, cause it's not convenient for us anyway, so I guess we'll fly from KL.

Nevertheless, there is still another discussion on this coming Tuesday, so I'll see what result we can get. I only have one bottom line, be back by 13th to Malaysia, or else I'm off this trip. I'm not gonna please everybody else and cause so much trouble and super inconvenience to myself. Its a no brainer, I would rather not go to the trip, than not having a great during the trip, its too much of opportunity cost and problems arises. I don't care of pissing people off, you can't satisfy and suits everyone, I really had enough for this thing, I'm not gonna be a puppet and please everyone else, its not me, and I certainly will call this thing off at worst case scenario.

Until then

-yeEvoN_Dutch-

Lonely is My Middle Name

It was like destined or something, where I can never get along with people, let it my family or friends. It just it, breaks my heart sometimes. Love is really a powerful thing, especially family love, you can't trade it. Although my family members always annoy me in different ways, by the end of the day, I'll just get through it, and they'll still talk to you, care about you and most importantly, love you. It is just so hard sometimes, having a break down, and have no one to go to. It really does.

I received a phone call from mom this morning, y'day morning to be exact, asking like am I coming home soon, and what am I doing. Well, it is a bad timing, calling at that time, because I just woke up, my brain is not functioning. And I just answered that I was doing assignments and stuff, preparing to go to class and that's it. Had an immediate meltdown right after that. Gosh, what did I just say to mom, so stupid, should have think of it before saying it out. Damn, I think I just hurt my mom's heart. I mean like, although we don't get along, but still she's my mom, and I care about her, I love her. It hurts a lot, though I did not show it out. Even right now writing this out, I'm still very emotional and hurt badly because of something stupid. Fuck it.

Its always like that, get emotional, slamming everything out of my face, alienated myself from everyone, even an invitation to go shopping. Why am I always not in my right mind?? I have been acting weird lately, be a loner, talks very little, just do what I want and others. Yeah, I do notice my weird attitude start to bug people around me, just not sure whether they notice it. Whatever, I chose not to care so much about how people perceived me.

Then to the latest news going around, AEON Jusco in Station 18, well, a new shopping complex, with not many stores open. Basically, people are there to just look at the new environment. My friends are there to purchase the T-shirt needed for photo shooting, initially, I was like, OK, do what you need to do, I'll just pay and keep me out of the mess. Then I heard about how they want to switch it up, this and that, also about the class t-shirt, delay here and there. Damn it, can't they do stuff much more efficiently? Sometimes, it makes me sick, seeing stuff are being done like that. That's the thing, always end up people with this kind of attitude. Sadness. Hence, I chose to be silent, let them do the work.

Nevertheless, I still feel a bit bad about rejecting the offer to go shopping. I mean like, just walk around a new place could be fun, but with them, sometimes not much fun. Perhaps because I am not a shopper, or does not know how to enjoy it, yet, just let it be. I am not a person with a lot of fun anyway. The thing is, I don't even know you guys are going there, for real, then all of the sudden just ask me, I feel like no fun at all. I appreciate the offer, but now, maybe not, maybe next time. Wait till I settle the stupid mess around me, assignments.

Anyway, getting alone seems a good choice for me right now, just need to get through some rough patch on my own, get things done, and be for it. Hopefully time can cure my stupidity and emotional rough patch, I really need to get my act together and be a normal person again.

Till then,

-yeEvoN_Dutch-

Annoying

Other than my future career/ prospect, what's really bugging me is people around me. Its like damn, these people just can't stop annoys me, or perhaps what they did just annoy me, without realizing that..anyway, its annoying.

First, assignments. Before going there, I would to share something about myself, right after ending internship. Internship, really allow me learn and apply the knowledge learn, with slightly good experience. When I return, I just want to enjoy the last trimester to the max, of course also to give everything I can to the max while doing other things as well.

For assignments, last time I'll bug my friends on how I'm doing my stuff, and this semester, I kinda shut up, a lot. When I'm given a job, I'll just do it, hand it over, and if there is anything to change, I'll make amendment. Simple as that. But please, don't come and annoy me with your part, it freakishly annoying. I know you meant to share your problems and stuff, totally understand, but please, try it on your own, and shut up. I don't know what's getting into me, but I just can't stand people annoys me all around the clock. I really hate it, especially when there is answer available all over the website.

Well, that I can hold up. At least you know what you are doing, and on the right track. What bugs me the most is.....mixed up the question and keep on repeating on the same stuff. Hello, the question ask for CAPITAL ALLOWANCE, not REINVESTMENT ALLOWANCE. Damn it, fuck, do you even use your brain to think, and use your eyes to see?? Just because the first sub Q is about RA, does not mean the remaining things is about RA as well. If it wasn't for the finals, I won't amendment your part myself. Gosh, read properly.

That's not just it. Don't even understand what the question wants, shit. Initial losses incurred, it is group relief. Why do you keep repeating on RA and CA again. Damn, unutilized then just carry forward, simple as that. Duhh... Constantly blaming people for not understand you, blame the Q paper for not getting good results and etc etc. The thing is, you never make effort in understanding it. Gosh, I'm not in position to question or judge you, but hey, get a life, suck it up. In this age, yet acting like a kid.

If it wasn't for the finals, where the lecturer mention it is important, I won't even bother to make the changes myself, I'll just push everything back to you, and wait for it. But right now, for the finals and as I'm not in my real self, I'll redo the part, and won't even bother to tell you that. Simple as that, close case.

Next should be on people. Fuck, why these people can't get their act together faster? Going for a trip and photo shooting is a happy thing, yet I don't get or feel any happiness at here. If you wanna do or plan something, make it earlier, do some research and planning. Personally, I REALLY HATE TO RECEIVE SMS DURING MIDNIGHT!! U think you sounded polite, but hey, can't you send your text earlier, like 10-11pm, don't you know after 12 is totally off limit, although most of the people has not sleep. Fuck off, I hate it. Now, I shall see, how can these people get their act together. Real sad to see, I have again engaged with people with similar attitude, just makes me sick to even think about it. Hardly ever get people like 38 gang, lots of politics going around, but it shows they are getting their act together.

I guess I'll just have to wait on how things will come up. Hopefully it would be a good thing, getting a fantastic trip, as a wonderful ending for my university life.

Till then

-yeEvoN_Dutch-