Which Way??

I guess it is related, not wanting me to get too many big sizes files, that may make people jealous or stress me out, or whatever. I'm given a rush file, to be signed before CNY. What makes me furious about this is that, you have 2 person discussing taking 1 small file earlier in the day, then push me to do that rush file, and robbed me an opportunity to go out for stock take. That surely make me furious, cause to me, stock take is fun, so when people ask you to work instead of play, what will you think. Moreover, asking me this busy people to do file, instead of the either one of the no job people, that's unfair, to say the least. And seeing the situation, I don't expect myself to get any files until after CNY.

But I'm worry too, with that stupid comments of jealousy, that I may not get what I want. Again with the wishes, can't really control it heh. I guess, I want to do Wah Seong, the biggest one, again. I mean, its fun and very challenging, especially the consolidation account part, very very largest, one of the most bad-ass type. But yeah, I want it. I thought of it last week, that I maybe the one taking it, but now, not that sure of it anymore. Cause you see, someone might want to take it. Take a hint, F&F with Zuwen, that's already a very big hint, but I'm 100% its impossible this time, cause there's Southern Perak as well, and finalizing F&F is a very big challenge. But there's another competitors too, but what I guess, one will be busy in F&F P&L, then Transport, but Transport might be done before CNY, cause, what's tough is the HP and DTax. But with one year of experience, it won't be that tough, I guess. So, that's my competitor. Also, PWDE, one of the most annoying ones around, and the reason will be: You haven't cleared PWDE. I don't know, that might happen, heh. Just see, I'll try to clear out PWDE before CNY, which won't be a big stepping stone on after CNY arrangement, but also a big shield to avoid going to EAE any means necessary. I once told myself, if I'm not in charge of anything, I have no means, no heart to do anything else, so, yeah, that's it.

Another thing that bugs me is also the senior issue. Do I have a chance to get promoted? Cause I think, with those stupid comments out there, I think I deserve it. I mean, look at Philip before he got promoted, he was doing those big annoying files, then, a while later, he got promoted. So yeah, if you ask me, of course I want to get promoted, I just don't say it out, not to sound so desperate. I'm not sure whether it will be like last year, where just before CNY, they announce people get promoted to senior. Of course, the  situation and circumstances are way more different than now, doesn't it, heh. 

Not just about salary, position and recognition, I guess, personally, somewhere inside me, I want to challenge those seniors out there, to be a better rounded senior, like Sam, he's a great rounded senior, among all. Also within our group, I think sometimes the file arrangement is a bit ridiculous, so to say. Sometimes you see so many people going, over capable people doing smaller files, etc. So, if I'm given the opportunity, I want to balance it all out, drawing out a year plan, fit for everyone, and stuff. But hey, its all talk, nothing could be done, if I'm not given the opportunity. Seeing and accessing the situation, I now can say the chances are quite slim, in my opinion. Although I'm told that I have future in this firm, but, what does that mean, do I have a chance to get promoted? I mean, it's kinda so many unknown, frustrated when you don't know if you get the chance or not. Look at us, look at our group, having only one senior after one year still, its funny. It shows that we might have a chance for that final spot, yet, so near yet so far, do we actually stand a chance for that? Kinda funny heh. But hey, just relax and do my thing. If it was meant to be, then it will. Just like last time, I was frustrated for being seen as a shit, but now, totally different. Perhaps I should just wait it out, if it is, then it is. Be it. Relax.

I guess, that'll be it. Senior, can I finally get a hand on it, or it's gonna get to the other person. I mean, I'm now a serious  threat after that 'jealousy' thing. So yes and no, I'm worried about my future in this firm. But right now, just relax and do my thing. 

Till then,

-yeEvoN_Dutch-

Ridiculous

To say the very least, I surely think it is way too ridiculous. The more I think about it, the more it gets to be more ridiculous in my aspect. Gosh, I've been trying so hard to achieve what I want, shine through bunch of people, and in the end what I got is 'red eye' a.k.a. jealousy from people. I mean, how did it happen? Why would people think that?

Last week, we've got a short interview session by our very own supervisor and senior. Truthfully, some of the comment I get is kinda shocking, in good and bad of course. But yeah, for the good stuff, I'm truly honored on how they view me, my achievements so far and recognition. While for the bad stuff, I didn't really realize it is that bad, perhaps I'm way too over when I carry myself, when I talk to people. Yeah well, I've got that problem before, I've tried to reduce the sarcastic-ness of the way I talk, but uhm, seems like people can't accept, so no, still gotta change. My soft skills, need lots of improvement.

There's all but one final comment that I got, that people got jealous and 'red eye' of my achievements. Initially I was like so shocked until I don't know how to respond, then I thought 'That's the most ridiculous  stupid comment that I've ever had'. One thing good is that my abilities and achievements are being recognized, that people see me as a serious threat. On the other hand, I started thinking, who's that bloody moron that makes such comment? Cause I've been taught, don't be jealous of people, what can you get from them? Turn around, look on to them, and tell yourself that you can achieve as much as them too. So, to me, when I first join this firm, I was like the ultimate underdog that people won't care about, like I'm just some shit sitting over there. That got to me, I wanna change that view, prove that I got it. So, of course, with some  motivation from others, looking upon capable people instead of being jealous of them, the whole 2013, I'm out to prove people wrong, and I did it.

I still don't know who's the moron, but I got a few targets, yet, the range is so big that I can't really know who makes that comment. So, whatever, go F yourself, get a life dude. Ridiculous!! What I don't understand is, there's people last time, that also shine very bright, like Karen. She got lots of chances, I mean, outstations, taking major files, outside audit with big cases and opportunities as well, but why nobody is jealous, but I got that red eye? Unbelievable. Maybe because I'm not as outgoing as she is. Shit. Honestly, I kinda look upon to her, cause, she achieve so much in short period of time as well, so, kinda like want to achieve what she got. Perhaps because she is a semi-senior that time, and suppose to perform that well.

As I analyse, it all maybe come from CKPF, PWDE & HC. That's the only answer that I got. I mean, CKPF & HC were not even mine to take in the first place, they were given to me due to some circumstances, while PWDE, still, I'm the only available an suitable person, I mean, I didn't even get Ujung groups', it were given to others. hush, whatever. What I'm trying to express is, I'm just utilizing every single opportunity that was given to me, is that wrong? Did anybody have any idea how much stress and pressure I had during the time? Having my assistant chopped half way through, then with only 3 days after, I need to go to another company, and needed to finalize before I start my study leave, which also leads to another bigger source of pressure, studying for 2 papers. Gosh, damn it! In the end, all I get was jealousy because I always take big files. Seriously?? 

To you suckers that doesn't know how big stress and pressure I've had, I actually took extra study leaves to get away from work, and I just left files at there, not wanting to finish it up, nor clear all the stupid queries, it's just pure stress. Maybe others view it as another stuff, I don't know. But hey, I didn't ask for it, I was given the opportunities. Suckers. Worst comment ever. Definitely don't know what to do with that.

Perhaps I should be more humble, control my emotions very very carefully, and also giving wee bit motivation and recognition to people. It does make a difference. Small motivation/praise but big result, why not, taught by a friend. Yeah, it does need time. With December files, pretty sure I can use this opportunities to change my negative image, and also to try something new, do something different, be a different, and a much more humble person, and still, keep the passion to fight go on. I should soften my hard exterior, on the mean time, balance it up, still keep on fighting, be a better capable person, be a senior, show people what I got, or maybe a better senior. Yeah, I guess that will my 2014 resolution, at least until peak this year. That should do it.

Till then,

-yeEvoN_Dutch-