Ridiculous

To say the very least, I surely think it is way too ridiculous. The more I think about it, the more it gets to be more ridiculous in my aspect. Gosh, I've been trying so hard to achieve what I want, shine through bunch of people, and in the end what I got is 'red eye' a.k.a. jealousy from people. I mean, how did it happen? Why would people think that?

Last week, we've got a short interview session by our very own supervisor and senior. Truthfully, some of the comment I get is kinda shocking, in good and bad of course. But yeah, for the good stuff, I'm truly honored on how they view me, my achievements so far and recognition. While for the bad stuff, I didn't really realize it is that bad, perhaps I'm way too over when I carry myself, when I talk to people. Yeah well, I've got that problem before, I've tried to reduce the sarcastic-ness of the way I talk, but uhm, seems like people can't accept, so no, still gotta change. My soft skills, need lots of improvement.

There's all but one final comment that I got, that people got jealous and 'red eye' of my achievements. Initially I was like so shocked until I don't know how to respond, then I thought 'That's the most ridiculous  stupid comment that I've ever had'. One thing good is that my abilities and achievements are being recognized, that people see me as a serious threat. On the other hand, I started thinking, who's that bloody moron that makes such comment? Cause I've been taught, don't be jealous of people, what can you get from them? Turn around, look on to them, and tell yourself that you can achieve as much as them too. So, to me, when I first join this firm, I was like the ultimate underdog that people won't care about, like I'm just some shit sitting over there. That got to me, I wanna change that view, prove that I got it. So, of course, with some  motivation from others, looking upon capable people instead of being jealous of them, the whole 2013, I'm out to prove people wrong, and I did it.

I still don't know who's the moron, but I got a few targets, yet, the range is so big that I can't really know who makes that comment. So, whatever, go F yourself, get a life dude. Ridiculous!! What I don't understand is, there's people last time, that also shine very bright, like Karen. She got lots of chances, I mean, outstations, taking major files, outside audit with big cases and opportunities as well, but why nobody is jealous, but I got that red eye? Unbelievable. Maybe because I'm not as outgoing as she is. Shit. Honestly, I kinda look upon to her, cause, she achieve so much in short period of time as well, so, kinda like want to achieve what she got. Perhaps because she is a semi-senior that time, and suppose to perform that well.

As I analyse, it all maybe come from CKPF, PWDE & HC. That's the only answer that I got. I mean, CKPF & HC were not even mine to take in the first place, they were given to me due to some circumstances, while PWDE, still, I'm the only available an suitable person, I mean, I didn't even get Ujung groups', it were given to others. hush, whatever. What I'm trying to express is, I'm just utilizing every single opportunity that was given to me, is that wrong? Did anybody have any idea how much stress and pressure I had during the time? Having my assistant chopped half way through, then with only 3 days after, I need to go to another company, and needed to finalize before I start my study leave, which also leads to another bigger source of pressure, studying for 2 papers. Gosh, damn it! In the end, all I get was jealousy because I always take big files. Seriously?? 

To you suckers that doesn't know how big stress and pressure I've had, I actually took extra study leaves to get away from work, and I just left files at there, not wanting to finish it up, nor clear all the stupid queries, it's just pure stress. Maybe others view it as another stuff, I don't know. But hey, I didn't ask for it, I was given the opportunities. Suckers. Worst comment ever. Definitely don't know what to do with that.

Perhaps I should be more humble, control my emotions very very carefully, and also giving wee bit motivation and recognition to people. It does make a difference. Small motivation/praise but big result, why not, taught by a friend. Yeah, it does need time. With December files, pretty sure I can use this opportunities to change my negative image, and also to try something new, do something different, be a different, and a much more humble person, and still, keep the passion to fight go on. I should soften my hard exterior, on the mean time, balance it up, still keep on fighting, be a better capable person, be a senior, show people what I got, or maybe a better senior. Yeah, I guess that will my 2014 resolution, at least until peak this year. That should do it.

Till then,

-yeEvoN_Dutch-