Lonely is My Middle Name

It was like destined or something, where I can never get along with people, let it my family or friends. It just it, breaks my heart sometimes. Love is really a powerful thing, especially family love, you can't trade it. Although my family members always annoy me in different ways, by the end of the day, I'll just get through it, and they'll still talk to you, care about you and most importantly, love you. It is just so hard sometimes, having a break down, and have no one to go to. It really does.

I received a phone call from mom this morning, y'day morning to be exact, asking like am I coming home soon, and what am I doing. Well, it is a bad timing, calling at that time, because I just woke up, my brain is not functioning. And I just answered that I was doing assignments and stuff, preparing to go to class and that's it. Had an immediate meltdown right after that. Gosh, what did I just say to mom, so stupid, should have think of it before saying it out. Damn, I think I just hurt my mom's heart. I mean like, although we don't get along, but still she's my mom, and I care about her, I love her. It hurts a lot, though I did not show it out. Even right now writing this out, I'm still very emotional and hurt badly because of something stupid. Fuck it.

Its always like that, get emotional, slamming everything out of my face, alienated myself from everyone, even an invitation to go shopping. Why am I always not in my right mind?? I have been acting weird lately, be a loner, talks very little, just do what I want and others. Yeah, I do notice my weird attitude start to bug people around me, just not sure whether they notice it. Whatever, I chose not to care so much about how people perceived me.

Then to the latest news going around, AEON Jusco in Station 18, well, a new shopping complex, with not many stores open. Basically, people are there to just look at the new environment. My friends are there to purchase the T-shirt needed for photo shooting, initially, I was like, OK, do what you need to do, I'll just pay and keep me out of the mess. Then I heard about how they want to switch it up, this and that, also about the class t-shirt, delay here and there. Damn it, can't they do stuff much more efficiently? Sometimes, it makes me sick, seeing stuff are being done like that. That's the thing, always end up people with this kind of attitude. Sadness. Hence, I chose to be silent, let them do the work.

Nevertheless, I still feel a bit bad about rejecting the offer to go shopping. I mean like, just walk around a new place could be fun, but with them, sometimes not much fun. Perhaps because I am not a shopper, or does not know how to enjoy it, yet, just let it be. I am not a person with a lot of fun anyway. The thing is, I don't even know you guys are going there, for real, then all of the sudden just ask me, I feel like no fun at all. I appreciate the offer, but now, maybe not, maybe next time. Wait till I settle the stupid mess around me, assignments.

Anyway, getting alone seems a good choice for me right now, just need to get through some rough patch on my own, get things done, and be for it. Hopefully time can cure my stupidity and emotional rough patch, I really need to get my act together and be a normal person again.

Till then,

-yeEvoN_Dutch-

Annoying

Other than my future career/ prospect, what's really bugging me is people around me. Its like damn, these people just can't stop annoys me, or perhaps what they did just annoy me, without realizing that..anyway, its annoying.

First, assignments. Before going there, I would to share something about myself, right after ending internship. Internship, really allow me learn and apply the knowledge learn, with slightly good experience. When I return, I just want to enjoy the last trimester to the max, of course also to give everything I can to the max while doing other things as well.

For assignments, last time I'll bug my friends on how I'm doing my stuff, and this semester, I kinda shut up, a lot. When I'm given a job, I'll just do it, hand it over, and if there is anything to change, I'll make amendment. Simple as that. But please, don't come and annoy me with your part, it freakishly annoying. I know you meant to share your problems and stuff, totally understand, but please, try it on your own, and shut up. I don't know what's getting into me, but I just can't stand people annoys me all around the clock. I really hate it, especially when there is answer available all over the website.

Well, that I can hold up. At least you know what you are doing, and on the right track. What bugs me the most is.....mixed up the question and keep on repeating on the same stuff. Hello, the question ask for CAPITAL ALLOWANCE, not REINVESTMENT ALLOWANCE. Damn it, fuck, do you even use your brain to think, and use your eyes to see?? Just because the first sub Q is about RA, does not mean the remaining things is about RA as well. If it wasn't for the finals, I won't amendment your part myself. Gosh, read properly.

That's not just it. Don't even understand what the question wants, shit. Initial losses incurred, it is group relief. Why do you keep repeating on RA and CA again. Damn, unutilized then just carry forward, simple as that. Duhh... Constantly blaming people for not understand you, blame the Q paper for not getting good results and etc etc. The thing is, you never make effort in understanding it. Gosh, I'm not in position to question or judge you, but hey, get a life, suck it up. In this age, yet acting like a kid.

If it wasn't for the finals, where the lecturer mention it is important, I won't even bother to make the changes myself, I'll just push everything back to you, and wait for it. But right now, for the finals and as I'm not in my real self, I'll redo the part, and won't even bother to tell you that. Simple as that, close case.

Next should be on people. Fuck, why these people can't get their act together faster? Going for a trip and photo shooting is a happy thing, yet I don't get or feel any happiness at here. If you wanna do or plan something, make it earlier, do some research and planning. Personally, I REALLY HATE TO RECEIVE SMS DURING MIDNIGHT!! U think you sounded polite, but hey, can't you send your text earlier, like 10-11pm, don't you know after 12 is totally off limit, although most of the people has not sleep. Fuck off, I hate it. Now, I shall see, how can these people get their act together. Real sad to see, I have again engaged with people with similar attitude, just makes me sick to even think about it. Hardly ever get people like 38 gang, lots of politics going around, but it shows they are getting their act together.

I guess I'll just have to wait on how things will come up. Hopefully it would be a good thing, getting a fantastic trip, as a wonderful ending for my university life.

Till then

-yeEvoN_Dutch-

Future Career: Penang or Singapore?

These few days, a lot of things have been bugging me, like to the max, causing my behavior to change occasionally. Where sometimes I would talk normally as usual on one hand, and then total silent later. Well, this kind of thing always happen when my head is full of stuff.

Hmm...Where should I start then?? Perhaps as per the title, my future career. Seriously, I have never thought of having a career in Singapore until few days ago, which makes me really think a lot, and also how to achieve my life target. Ok, everyone knows Singapore's job is very stress, but come on, high pay, high work load, make sense, and uhh.... the are more opportunity right there, compared to Malaysia. I mean like a job with a pay of $2000, really helps me a lot in paying off my debt (car and study loan) within 5 years, and still have a little savings, that can allow me to further my studies later on. I have always wanted to go overseas to study, getting a MBA, a fact that not much people know about it. By working in Singapore, I could fulfill my dream, and the payment, I could settle it on my own. Oh yeah, baby......on my own, no longer depending on family or getting a loan.

But, I'm still scared...like I've never work so far before. Getting to a place where you prefer to go shopping, not many close friends over there, barely know what's happening over there, etc etc. Its kind like a brand new challenge for me, to do something that no one around has done before. I've been looked down all my life, partly because of my own stupidity and laziness, and mainly living in my family's shadow. I don't ask for much, just that I want to out shine from the shadow, letting people know, I am yeevon, not just my parents' daughter. I wanted this recognition, it really means a lot to me.

So, I really have to get my ass up to prepare the relevant documents for applying a job, like real time. Not much time to waste, exams are coming up, assignments due, most importantly, my study life is gonna end, real soon. I think my own deadline gonna be by this weekend, really gotta send out those application, to see whether I stand a chance to get a job there, and then start getting torture for 3-4 years, and fulfill my dream.

Conversely, if I were to follow the status quo and work in Penang, man, I'm gonna be broke and even ask money from home, with no savings at all. I mean like a job with may RM2000, 90% of it I'm gonna spend on paying car and study loan, food, transportation and home only. There's still 10% left, but I think I'll just spend it without realizing it, maybe for entertainment hence, no savings at all. How can you possibly live in Penang without entertainment, its totally absurd, hence the no savings. Worse still, if I only get RM1800 after EPF, total broke before the end of the month, as the food there might be tasty, but expensive like hell. Unlike in Singapore, the food is affordable, granted that you earn sing dollar, instead of RM.

Well, that's my case for working in Singapore. On the mean time, I do not plan on telling anybody other than those who has already know it. Maybe my family, hopefully they will support my decision, since my first class honor brother absurdly does not want to work in Singapore with his excellent results. Perhaps, me, the shadow daughter/sister could really make this work, outlive myself, outshine and shock everyone when the time comes. Meantime, I need to search for potential company, start applying jobs, keep my mouth shut on my plan, and just BE PREPARED!

Hopefully this works for me, to have an achievement I've long craved. Suffer for 3-4 years to achieve my dream, what a plan...YEAH BABY~~~

until then

-yeEvoN-Dutch-